“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
mechanics be like
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.