Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*Every coffee date*
Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.
Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry
My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?