What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.