Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.


You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.


Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*


I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children


[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

My dad: Concussion? What concussion?


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology


World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.


For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.