Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.