@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

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@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

@gabemakesmusic

I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@Quartzjixler

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

@Samzen_

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@RunOldMan

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.