@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

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@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@WheelTod

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

@samreich

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

@TheMichaelRock

According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.

@mommajessiec

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.