Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?