Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
i’m sure it’s fine
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us