Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep.

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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.


ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin


Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.


“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.


Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.


Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.


Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!


Her: what’s this writing on your hand?
Me: I was cheating on an exam
Her: it just says “hand”
Me: yeah it was an anatomy exam