Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid