(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

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After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.


And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math


When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.


Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job


teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did


*Lowers thermostat*
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*

The real Cold War


For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”


I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.


Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.