@truegritrumble

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

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@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@Adar79Angie

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

@HenpeckedHal

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

@AnOrangeSNES

*Lowers thermostat*
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*

The real Cold War

@Hobo_Splendido

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

@stoneman67

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

@Mom_Overboard

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.