(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
We’ve all been there
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football