@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

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@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

@CulturedRuffian

*on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.

@prufrockluvsong

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

@nerdreign

When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

@omgthatspunny

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@noellebean

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

@murfer28

I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too