[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
You Might Also Like
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
mathematically impossible
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
What if the weather talks about us?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows