Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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*on a date *
Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!
* trying to impress *
Me: I live outside.
Me: I’m homeless.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too