@ohpeetie

Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

You Might Also Like

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

@BrownDogBlanket

On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.

@anjadrisch

My anti bacterial hand wash promises to kill germs & moisturise at the same time. Such violence & nurturing from the one product.

@Dawn_M_

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@TheTalkingPipe

Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.

@Vodkantots

If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.

These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.