Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.


On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.


My anti bacterial hand wash promises to kill germs & moisturise at the same time. Such violence & nurturing from the one product.


I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.


[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second


Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.


If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.

These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.


I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.