Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You Might Also Like
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]