[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.


Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.


Teacher: your son has been bullying other students

The Mandalorian:

The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?

Teacher: for their snacks


It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.


Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.


Her: What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order.
Her: …
Me: It’s really pretty easy.
Her: *leaves*


Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*


Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.


Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~