[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.