[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Breaking news:
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.