Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.