(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
this is the best interaction on twitter
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes