(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.


My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.


Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.


Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison


Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.


If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.


“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day


*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*


ME: my dog ate my homework