@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

You Might Also Like

@Mardigroan

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@zebrasyndicate

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

@GibJimson

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

@benicus_rex

If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

@WheelTod

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

@PetrickSara

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good