(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself