Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them


Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand


Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.


Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.


Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?


ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something


So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.


*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.


I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.


Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff