@mommajessiec: Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
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@usermcuserface: Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*
@IamEnidColeslaw: Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn't.
@NewDadNotes: [Jeopardy] Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200. Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall. Me: [buzz] what is summer. Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride. Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.