Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
You Might Also Like
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”