Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
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“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?