@mommajessiec

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

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@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@weinerdog4life

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

@guiltymamma

If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark

@primawesome

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

@AmishPornStar1

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

@JediGigi

Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?