the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”
Her: know what you’re getting yet?
Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.
Her: oh, you have a kid at home?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.