Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“What?”
– Jude
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Social Media and Real life
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.