@dakarrier

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

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@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@Midgetspar

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.

@TribalSpaceCat

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.