Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.