Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you


Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer


Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene


You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.



The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.


[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?


A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.


Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?