Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

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[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’


That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]


For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons



ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*


me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess


me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]


God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.


when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures