[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
who will stop them
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
This bar smells like my childhood.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]