[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
How to draw a duck
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
meow
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”