[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that


I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.


[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!


Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.


Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.


Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug


Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot


Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?


To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???