Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.
Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob
Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong
Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I have no beef with vegetarians.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???