when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.