@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

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@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@newLettuce

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

@markydoodoo

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@RunOldMan

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@CatsVsHumanity

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.