@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

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@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@mela_shea

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@beermanboobs

Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you’re dead.

@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

@ZachWeiner

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

@_Ashley_Jordan

I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.