ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.