Is this a threat?
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.