Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.


Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.


Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.


I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?


Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you’re dead.


Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.


It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.


*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this


I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.


The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.