Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
i want the dreams to chase me for once
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting