me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*opens bathroom door so everyone can hear me washing my hands*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago