team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

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me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.


MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool


“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle


So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.


Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.


“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*


I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.


FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago