team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
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Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.