@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

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@mastrap84

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

@with_a_ph23

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

@junejuly12

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

@ozzyunc

Accidentally bought trashbags without drawstrings. Have to sneak the trash out at night so my neighbors don’t think I’m poor.

@SbethCaplin

Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?

@SeanINCypress

Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.

@phaggots

Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once