God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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this is so accurate
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Accidentally bought trashbags without drawstrings. Have to sneak the trash out at night so my neighbors don’t think I’m poor.
Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?
Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once