[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone