December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets