@squirrel74wkgn

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

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@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@internetluke

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

@TheDailySchmuck

The horror of hearing the anesthesiologist say, “YOLO,” as he puts you under.

@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

@Mike_Wrong

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

@UnFitz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature