i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The horror of hearing the anesthesiologist say, “YOLO,” as he puts you under.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.