[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
house sitting!
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas