[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
this has to be peak English
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…