*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You Might Also Like
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Sign at work today
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
One venti cheeseburger please.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
This is true.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?