I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well