When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
It do be feeling this way.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.