A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Gods work.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.