Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Sticker placement is key.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”