@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

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@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@mortimermaiden

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@Sickayduh

“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*

@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me: