Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”
“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.