@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

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@iAmJuddy

Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.

@ThisOneSayz

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@mitushi

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

@Tmoney68

Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.

@david8hughes

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@MarfSalvador

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that