Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
This could be us… but you playing
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️