@MaidOfBeans

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

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@InternetHippo

Gf snoops through my phone and sees I’m texting other girls about how great my gf is

@natedeschaine

Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.

@Tmoney68

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

@CindyMeakin

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@ozzyunc

If you ever feel bad about yourself remember there are people who think Mount Rushmore occurred naturally.