Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

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Gf snoops through my phone and sees I’m texting other girls about how great my gf is


Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.


Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.


When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.


Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch


the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl


The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


If you ever feel bad about yourself remember there are people who think Mount Rushmore occurred naturally.