i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.