Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

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Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social


Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous


*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying


You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?


I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?


Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date


We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable


i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.