@better_off_dad

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

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@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@nyax6

Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

@slimmy_shady

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”