Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”