Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

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[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER


She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.


Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.


Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.


Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”


Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.


*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*


[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”