@better_off_dad

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

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@SvnSxty

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@dksc4life

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.