@better_off_dad
@Vodkantots I’m hungry.
WebMD: stomach cancer
You Might Also Like
@Vodkantots 
@Reverend_Scott [job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
@50NerdsofGrey She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.
@DelanieFischer Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
@nyax6 Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
@Try2StopME Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
@KentWGraham Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
@slimmy_shady *too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
@ericsshadow [on a business trip to South Carolina]
Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.
“Welcome to the United States.”
@marsmaIlow excuse me
