@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

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@Lunatic_times

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

@Cheeseboy22

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

@thesulk

Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@ItsSamG

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”