Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

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It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.


A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.


Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.


If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.


[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it


Our middle child says we neglect him/her.


Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”