Some collage just called me saying they accepted me to their collage..
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?