Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.


I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up


So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…


As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.


I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.


Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker


Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?