If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT