Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You Might Also Like
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?