Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Twitter fine art
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.