Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You Might Also Like
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
when you don’t want to be too vague
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.