technique
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples