Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?
Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes
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Truth or dare?
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face