My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
January has been Januweary
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: