Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’