Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
LOL
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi