@TheHyyyype

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

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@ADHDeanASL

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”

@GingerHotDish

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

@Shaydozer

At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%

@ArfMeasures

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

@tastefactory

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture