Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
her: I like my men strong
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture